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Breathe magazine

Getting over Monogamy
Those disenchanted with one-on-one relationships are finding a way to
multiply, share and sustain love.

When I reach an open grassy hill in Central Park, I see clusters of two,
three, and five people on blankets, picnicking and relaxing. Some are
snuggling and trading back-rubs. The crowd of 40 or so is unremarkable--a
mostly white mix of urban hipsters and suburbanites, mid-20s to early 50s,
sitting around a tiny stage; this could be a very small folk concert. But
the banner behind the stage reads "NYC Poly Pride Day." These people are
here to celebrate their chosen lifestyle and lovestyle: polyamory.

Polyamory (literally, "many loves") defines the practice of having
simultaneous romantic relationships with two or more people. "That's not
many sex partners, but many loves," explains Dr. Deborah Anapol, author of
Polyamory, The New Love Without Limits: Secrets of Sustainable Intimate
Relationships (Intinet Resource Center, 1997). Unlike swinging or cheating,
polyamory focuses on love first and sex second, and its main requirements
are openness and honesty. Anapol's preferred phrase is "responsible
non-monogamy." Polyamory has many manifestations: married couples who agree
to have lovers; committed groups of three, called triads, that can encompass
various gender combinations and sexual preferences; and even small
communities of four or more partners.

Whatever the arrangement, most polys are, perhaps not surprisingly,
closeted. "We haven't had an Ellen DeGeneres of polyamory step forward yet,"
says Justen Michael, founder of Polyamorous NYC and host of today's
gathering. The performers and attendees assembled for the fourth annual
event offer a rare glimpse into the many possibilities the lifestyle
embraces. Host Michael wears a shirt that reads, "The only thing better than
a cute boyfriend is two cute boyfriends"; Raven, a "gender fluid" poly man,
announces he's celebrating 12 years of marriage to himself; and speaker Nan
Wise, a psychotherapist working on a book called Outrageous Intimacy,
introduces the crowd to her husband of more than 30 years and their longtime
female partner. But Wise also offers a sober warning in the midst of the
celebration: "This is a path that requires more commitment­­not less­­to
your partners' spiritual growth."

Indeed, for many of today's multi-lovers, poly is chosen as a path toward
personal evolution and spiritual enlightenment. "Polyamory demands that you
get above the ego," says Anapol. "It asks that you surrender everything,
really." She's referring to the jealousy that inevitably surfaces when
sharing someone you adore. Polys invite the feeling, she explains, saying it
helps them confront their fear of abandonment and release the impulse to
control others. As you might imagine, this isn't always easy.

David, a 41-year-old chiropractor, and Alyssa, a 32-year-old social worker,
in Northern California, were poly for years before they met and married.
They continued the practice throughout their courtship and nuptials; their
wedding vows included a promise to honor their relationships with others.
The situation, says David, has been mostly successful but not without pain:
"Sometimes when I hear my wife say OI love you' to her girlfriend, it brings
up the place in me that's afraid of being abandoned," he admits.

"Polyamory is like graduate or master's level relationship training," David
continues. To make it work, he and Alyssa have guidelines. For starters, as
with most polys, there are strict safe-sex rules. Then there are logistics:
Thursday nights Alyssa goes out with her lover; Fridays, she and David go on
dates with poly couples. Alyssa can have sex with women but not men; David
must get Alyssa's permission before having sex with women. Just before their
wedding, David asked if he could consummate a bud-ding relationship with
another woman. His bride requested that he wait until after the honeymoon.

"People need to have a strong spiritual practice and a certain level of
emotional maturity," Anapol says. "Otherwise it's going to be painful." Like
many polys, David feels the freedom of the lifestyle outweighs the pain, and
that moving beyond jealousy is a worthy goal. But not everyone thinks the
green-eyed beast is best slain. Some would argue that the emotion exists for
good reason: "Jealousy is like guilt or pain," says Pat Love, coauthor of
Hot Monogamy (Plume Books, 1999). "You would never want to get rid of them
completely because they're symptoms that something's wrong."

Though some young polys choose the lifestyle as a way to honor the natural
fluidity of relationships, others have come to it after multiple failed
marriages. With divorce and infidelity rates so high (experts say about 50
percent of spouses cheat, though statistics are notoriously hard to track),
maybe we should stop fighting it, goes poly logic; if we're stepping outside
the primary union we might as well do it with consciousness and caring.

A triad in Minneapolis is attempting just that. Though Riki and Steve
discussed polyamory early on, by the time they married, Steve, a 34-year-old
computer programmer, was "happy being monogamous." A few months after their
wedding, Riki, 34, a former shiatsu practitioner, talked about getting
together with a guy they both knew. At first Steve was upset. "I got in a
funk. It wasn't really an angry jealousy; it was more of a What's going to
happen to me sort of jealousy."

He let Riki go, reluctantly. "She would come home from dates and find me
surrounded by our wedding vows," Steve says. "A little melodramatic, I
guess." Eventually though, Steve adjusted to Riki seeing other men, secure
in the knowledge that she always came back to him. For a year Riki dated,
with Steve's permission, while Steve stayed monogamous.

Then, in 2001 at a party for a local polyamory group, Steve met and
instantly fell for a married woman named Robin. That same night Riki met a
man named Terry and "rockets went off." Soon Steve and Riki were both
vibrating with NRE ("new relationship energy" in polyspeak). Though Riki was
dating Terry, she was jarred by Steve's passionate romance. She felt that
his attention toward this new love revealed pain and complacency in their
marriage. Riki hadn't yet learned "compersion." Explains Steve, "It's a poly
term that means compassion for your significant other in enjoying his or her
significant other."

While Steve's relationship eventually ended, Riki's partnership with Terry
blossomed. Soon Riki and Steve asked Terry to move in. Now Riki splits her
time between each man's bedroom. (Theirs is a "V" triad, meaning two of the
members have sex with only one of the members). Both men are heterosexual.
And all three have occasional lovers.

Somehow Steve has developed compersion ("I overhear them sometimes, and
that's a nice thing," he says of Riki and Terry) and is glad to have Terry
in the family. He's not quite sure how he got to this place, "but I think
largely it was just a matter of time," he says. "A prerequisite of jealousy
is that you're potentially going to lose something that's very valuable to
you. I don't have that sense at all." The three ride motorcycles and watch
DVD's together, and are considering a three-way symbolic union. When I ask
Riki what it's like having two partners, she says: "It's pretty darn good.
Sometimes I think, Wow, I have two men and it works."

Yet the obvious question is, who has the time? Monogamy can be emotionally
and sexually consuming. Isn't adding another partner--and another set of
issues--to the mix impossibly challenging? Perhaps. But most polys find the
lifestyle exciting and nourishing enough to extend their patience and open
their schedules.

For Anapol­­ and thousands of others across the country, including members
of groups like the Fresno Poly Fellowship, Hawaiian Poly Pagans, and
PolyLouisiana­­polyamory is one solution to the challenges of conventional
relationships. "The future is not so much that monogamy becomes extinct but
that it becomes one of many possibilities," says Anapol.

The Poly Pride picnic is an ideal event for witnessing these possibilities
unfold­­from profound to outrageous and back again. One of the best-received
performers of the day is a thirtysomething man with a frizzy ponytail. When
he finishes reading his intense, emotional poetry to the group, he switches
gears, lightening up: "If you've been listening to me today with lust in
your heart," he says, "please identify yourselves."

Everyone laughs as he launches into a poem-slash-personal ad. "If there
happen to be two of you," he offers, "I will divide my time between you, or
we can spend time all together." He pauses for effect. "And if one of you
forces me to choose, I will always choose the one who does not force me to
choose!" The small audience surges with applause.

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